What Fascinates Me: December 2011

In the middle of a rather pleasant evening I found myself describing to my friend the movie Teeth. With potentially the worst plot ever, it is hard to believe that this idea had enough people get on board to make it a reality. I would've liked to hear that pitch. Unfortunately, this is not the only terrible movie premise of this day and age. It really is quite mind boggling how the heck some of these films got produced:

Teeth
Plot: Dawn, the unfortunate star in this travesty, grew up near a nuclear power plant. As a result she has a rare mutation, Vagina Dentata (teeth in her vagina). This set of vaginal teeth is controlled primarily by her emotions, and throughout the movie there are several "wrong-doers" that suffer Dawn's vagina's wrath. In the end, she uses her mutation as a way to rid the world of sexual abuse. Her first intentional victim: her stepbrother who is a perverted punk. In what may be the most ridiculous scene of the movie, she has sex with him, bites off his penis, spits it out (if you can call it that) on the ground where it is promptly EATEN BY HIS DOG. Pardon my language, but WHAT THE FUCK?! Watch out world, we have found our next great heroine.

Ridiculous. Unfortunately, I can say I have seen this train wreck in its entirety thanks to my dear friend Tim. While mildly hilarious and highly disturbing, I can't help but wonder who in their right mind dreamed up this disaster of a movie. Not to mention, the use of the tagline "every rose has its thorn". Poison. Really?

One Eyed Monster
Plot: Starring porn stars Ron Jeremy and Veronica Hart, this film takes place in some secluded area in North Carolina. The crew is working on filming a porno. During a break from filming, Ron Jeremy gets hit by a shooting star (a direct shot to his penis) and in the following scene his penis, now possessed by a sex-hungry alien, detaches itself, leaving Ron for dead. It runs rampant mass murdering the members of the cast and crew through various forms of essentially rape. The survivors soon realize that after the aliens climax it is at it's weakest and they construct a plan to guide the penis into a neuro-tactile simulator and then circumcise it with an ax during its 'refractory period'.

Preposterous. Not only is Ron Jeremy largely repulsive (keep in mind this was filmed in 2008), but there is no way someone could be involved in this production and 1. take it seriously or 2. not regret their choice in said involvement.

Rubber

Plot (from wikipedia): In the California desert, a tire comes to life and embarks on a killing spree as an audience watches the events unfold through binoculars. The tire kills by vibrating intensely and psycho-kinetically causing people's heads to explode. Settling into an obscure, desert town, the tire finds a woman that he is interested in. A sheriff investigating the murders is inside and outside the diegesis, sometimes participating in the narrative action and sometimes commenting on it.

Meanwhile, an accountant is ordered by his master to feed the audience a poisoned turkey, but the man in a wheelchair survives, as he doesn't eat any of the turkey, so the accountant tries to poison him with more food. When the food is turned down, the accountant eats it himself, and dies from the poison.

In the end, the tire is destroyed, but then reincarnated as a tricycle, and destroys the man in the wheelchair, causing him to explode entirely. The tricycle recruits several tires and rolls to Hollywood, where the film concludes.

Honestly, I don't understand what I just read. Those crazy French.

The Day of the Dolphin

Plot: A brilliant scientist trains his pair of dolphins to speak and understand English. They are stolen and he discovers the kidnappers are trying to further train the dolphins to carry out a political assassination by having them place a limpet mine on the hull of the yacht of the President of the United States.

This may very well be a brilliant idea actually.

Demon Island

Teens trapped on an island are haunted by a demon hidden inside...a pinata.

Enough said. Festive?

While doing a little research I also happened upon some fairly fantastic movie taglines:

"Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him." - Chuck Norris, the official badass.